Feeling a bit down...

Well I am sad to say I am writing this from a bed in Westmead hospital. I have been here since yesterday afternoon to help clear a chest infection.
Isn't it amazing how 4 months ago I probably wouldn't have even gone to the doctor for my cough, yet now, because of my compromised heart and lungs due to the cancer, I end up in hospital on IV antibiotics! I know that it's for the best, and that the whole idea is to clear it up fast to make sure there are no complications but I really hate being away from my family.
I think Andy must have jinxed me. Because I had spent most of Thursday evening in bed he came in and said to me, "I don't want you to go to hospital Mummy!" I said, I won't be going to hospital, Mummy just has a bit of a cough.
Sure enough, by lunch time the next day my nurse had decided that we needed to speak to my medical oncologists because I still haven't had my 4th round of chemo as I had put it off because I had the cold. After she rang the oncology team to get their thoughts on when I should start the next cycle they called her back and suggested I be admitted to clear the infection quickly. There was a concern that as it had been hanging around for over a week it can turn into pneumonia fairly quickly. Furthermore, the quicker it's cleared they can get me onto the chemo treatment without compromising my immune system further.
So here I am!
Matt isn't coping well. He cried uncontrollably when he left both last night and tonight. It really breaks my heart.......It makes it hard for me to hold it together too. I like to forget everything going on and pretend our lives are normal, well as normal as possible, and I guess the whole hospital thing is a slap in the face reminder that things aren't normal and they will never be again.
Anyhow, enough about that, Jenelle, my nurse tells me that I am sick because I let myself get run down so she is doubly cranky at me. She doesn't want to see me fall in a screaming heap so I am going to have to take better care of me. I will do it now.....it might take a trip to hospital to scare me into it, but I think I have got the message now. If I don't take care of me, I will be spending more time in here and that's somewhere I don't want to be! So the answer is simple, be good to yourself and rest more.
You know, I am pretty stupid. The next 12 months is going to be pretty ordinary for us and I was looking at the local paper and saw a job that was 20 hours per week. I thought, I could do that, $400 a week would make a huge difference and take the pressure off a bit. I actually entertained this idea for a whole day, then all of a sudden thought, that's right, I am not well am I. I really don't know how I think I could work.....I am constantly in a drug induced state, I can't keep my eyes open for longer than about 4 hours at a time, and what on earth would I do if I was having a bad day! See what I mean.....for a supposed intelligent woman I sure do come up with some stupid thoughts!!!!
Anyway, enough about all of that, I might see if I can find something to watch on TV and get some sleep. I am missing our street Christmas party tonight. I hope they are having fun....I am sure the boys are enjoying it, being able to ride around the street for half the night should be enough of a treat to keep Matt happy I would think. Not sure how Andy will go though, he was incredibly tired earlier so I don't know if he will last the distance. Poor Jason won't really be able to enjoy himself either because he will have to watch out for them the whole time. Oh well, at least he will have a little adult company.
Oh, and I think we may have our au pair! Her name is Joylynn and she is from the US. Unfortunately, I missed the Skype call with her today because I was in here but apparently it went really well. She is looking into getting her visa and should be able to start the Australia day long weekend so that has worked out perfectly!
I am really going now! xxx

NEVER, NEVER, NEVER GIVE UP!